I am a loner now. I never used to be that way. I am told that as a child, I was always helping others, always loving and always running around at full speed. Always talking to strangers, always trusting, until that trust was broken.
I just slid into being a loner as the years went by and I suffered more and more blows to my sensitive being. I am...too sensitive in many ways. Some people can take a lot of blows in life and be unaffected. With me, some part of me is indelibly and permanently scarred by every hurt in my life. It isn't a choice; it just is.
But I also am the kind of person to fight back and keep going... not for myself, but for any people who might come into my life needing guidance or assistance. This already happens frequently... I have lost count of the number who have crossed my path needing some sort of help before slipping away into the mist again.
I have been told many times that I have some great purpose here. I often question it. At times, I have sat on my bed and begged to be taken back Home and to be set free, but I know it will not happen as my soul knows I have so much more to do. Don't get me wrong, I do not need advice. I am blessed or cursed with the ability to see all my mistakes as I make them, to see all my lessons as they are in progress, lol. Even as a child, I was aware of things not all children are aware of and I asked questions not all children would even consider. I would sit there thinking about death, wondering if it was just a black nothingness or if there was more, at a time when no-one had spoken to me of death, let alone the possibility of an afterlife.
As a child, I would dream entire days before they happened. As a child, I would have horrific nightmares where I would dream of long past wars and even talk to soldiers. As a child, I would see children who were not physical beings. I know there are many who have had these experiences as a child, but likewise, many are told it is not real...all imagination. It must not be talked about, such things do not exist. And then, you spend years trying to remember what it was to be free of all these boxes and cages, dos and don't, blacks and whites. Years trying to return to standing in the sunlight with unblinkered eyes.